Today makes me sincerely wonder where I’d be if I hadn’t changed my life after 2007. I feel like I can’t even remember the person I used to be. I know that I’m more cognitive than he was, but I sometimes worry that I’m not as fun.
It brings me so much comfort knowing that Conor Oberst was a sad 13 year old kid too.
I need you now. Don’t leave me. Can’t fight them without you.
I need to get it out somewhere.
Fuuuuuuuck. This is why I quit blogging, because it’s too convenient of an outlet for me. I just need to get this shit out.
My little brother is so goddamn selfish. He thinks that I’ve been a dick to him since we moved to Ohio. I was fucking miserable as a child. I thought that I was going to move out as soon as I was 16 because my family couldn’t afford me. He was too young to understand what was happening at that time.
While my mother was running around with other men, ignoring me, and damn near beating his crazy ass, I was spending my early high school teen years alone in a state with no friends. My little brother hated me from the minute he found out we had different fathers. He fucking ridiculed me on the day I found out that I was adopted and that we were half brothers. I cried all goddamn day.
Regardless of how I felt, I always tried to step in and stop my mother from being condescending about his father. Even though his father singlehandedly ruined my childhood and so much innocence inside of me, I still defended him in front of Austin. When things got out of control, when Austin got the worst I always tried to stop things from escalating. I tried to explain to my mother that fighting with him was stupid. I was 13 fucking years old and I knew that it was pointless, I just couldn’t understand why she continued to fight him every single day even though it never went anywhere but towards physical altercation.
Does he seriously think that I like our family? From the moment I got a car I was never home. I couldn’t handle being around them. I relied on so many things to get me by, just so that I didn’t have to look at myself, my problems, or where I came from. I moved out the year after I graduated from high school. I’ll never go back, no matter what. I’ve chosen homelessness over going back, and I always will.
Doesn’t he understand that they all just use me? I’m very aware that the only time him or my mother take interest in me is because they need something fixed, advice, or something free. Just skip the fucking formalities and tell me what you need, just don’t get pissed when I say no for once in my fucking life.
I’m shaking so badly. I’m going to go change and try to forget about all the nonsense and get back to my life. He broke my fucking heart when he decided to go into the marines. I’m done now. Sorry tumblr for getting way too serious.
